NEL Blog

This article is a repost of a section of Jeff Galloway’s site, which deals with running and training. At www.jeffgalloway.com /training/beginners.html, he explains the first two of five stages of a runner; the beginner and the jogger. As I read it, I couldn’t help but be surprised at the parallels between starting running and starting PU. So I decided to copy the exert here, changing the language so that it matches our own goals. Check out Jeff’s site, it’s full of useful info, and for the final three stages (The Competitor, The Athlete and The Runner), you can check out pages 26-31 in Galloway’s Book on Running by Jeff Galloway (Shelter Publications, 1984).

The Five Stages of a PUA

The Beginner: Stage One: Making the Break
Every beginning is precarious. There you are, perched on the edge of starting something entirely new, yet there are distractions, even criticisms, that cause detours and dead ends. You want to be more confident, and better with women, but you may not realize how secure you’ve become in a sex-free world. Each time you go out to practice pick up, you encounter a new side of yourself – one that must somehow be integrated into your daily life.

There is usually a struggle within and without. The old lifestyle is there and offers security. When the energy of “beginning” wears off, it’s harder to motivate yourself to go out for that daily sarge. You’ll face a lot of obstacles at first. It’s all too easy to stop when the weather turns cold, when it rains or snows, or when you feel the persistent ache of approach anxiety before you’ve even left the house. You haven’t had to deal with these things before and the temptation to quit is strong.

Your approaching may also be threatening to your less proactive friends. Eventually, you – the beginner – and your non-PUA friends work it out. The transition period, however, can be unstable and uncomfortable for both. If you falter, the old world – comfortable in many ways – is waiting for you to slip back in. If you’re lucky enough to make new friends who share similar goals, you’ll probably find refuge in the “PUA” world while you gain your “approach security.”

Social reinforcement makes it easier to establish the approaching habit. One good approach is to find a group that meets regularly. Or you can make a pact with a friend who drags you out on bad days and vice versa. Winging and going to seminars are great opportunities to meet people.

At times you may not progress as fast as you expected. We Westerners are traditionally hyperactive and impatient. When we plant a seed, we not only want it to grow, we want it to become a tree by next week. We want results. When you start, you want to feel the psychological benefits of increased confidence. But if you push too hard, you can tire yourself out and end up quitting in frustration.

The seed of game – if you don’t crush it – will survive periods of moisture and drought. Just when it seems to be drying up, it will spring to life, rejuvenated, and propel you further down the road. Don’t be discouraged, even if you’ve stopped. Tomorrow’s another day. Many beginners stop and start again 10 or 15 times before they get the habit established. Beginners who don’t put pressure on themselves seem to have an easier time staying with it. If you simply do 3-4 approaches every other day, you’ll find yourself gently swept along in a pattern of relaxation and good feeling. Your approaching starts to become a special time for you. As you make progress you find within yourself the strength and security to keep going. At first you’re “just visiting” that special world when you go out to approach. But gradually you begin to change. You get used to the positive relaxed feeling. Your mind starts cleaning itself up, establishing a stronger frame, and your state improves. One day you find you’re addicted, and the beginner becomes a PUA.

The PUA: Stage Two – Entering the New World
The PUA feels secure with approaching. It may be hard to start each day’s approaches but, unlike the beginner, you can identify with those who are addicted. You may be intimidated by the “high achievers” – bootcamp instructors, or guys who are authoritative on the forums – but you have begun to understand the benefits of pick up and made a significant break with the old, non-sarging world. The PUAs approaches are satisfying in themselves. There is almost always a “glow” at the end of the day’s practice, a reward for the effort. If you miss a practice session you may feel guilty – a rare experience for the beginner. Beginners often complain that they’re intimidated while approaching, but PUAs find this problem decreases and then disappears as their experience increases.

Rarely does a PUA have a plan or goal. Most approach as a healthy diversion and don’t feel the need to get anything more out of it. They just get out there when they can and do what they can. Those who do feel they need a plan often think they don’t know enough to prepare one. They may pick up a few tips from a more experienced PUA, or get ideas from a forum or ebook. Unfortunately this often ends in frustration or anxiety, because such plans are not based upon the PUA’s own individual abilities and goals, but upon someone else’s.

At first you probably needed a group or at least another person for motivation and direction. As a PUA, you are a bit more independent. You’ll prefer company to sarging alone, but you’ll pick and choose your group with care. Most beginners seek anonymity within a group while PUAs often enjoy identification with a group.

As a beginner you may have attended a few lair meets or possibly a seminar. PUAs, however, mark the big events on their calendars. These are motivational stepping stones to keep the daily approaches on track. There will often be one major event in the PUA’s schedule, like the next Big NEL Meet Up Event, or a bootcamp. Although you’re not sarging to make money, or for a company, a sense of competition may begin to develop. By piecing together a growing series of successful and non-threatening sarging experiences, you begin the transition into a more sex-filled lifestyle.

There are always conditions – loss of free time, a partner dropping out, a return of old though patterns – that may stop your approaching and force you to start over again as a beginner. You may lose the motivation to keep going. A PUA will sometimes give up sarging completely, but usually will start again after an extended layoff.

For the next three stages (The Competitor, The Athlete and The Runner), please see pages 26-31 in Galloway’s Book on Running by Jeff Galloway (Shelter Publications, 1984) – you can translate these yourself!

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